I am not a writer, but I do blog once in a blue moon. I write like I talk. I use all forms of creative outlets to express myself. I am an artist and self expression comes natural to me. Social media has definitely helped that and I am not one to be self conscious of what others will think about me as I decide to open up. I will never do this in real life, talk about feelings and emotions and things. I was raised by a woman with an iron heart so I thought that's how everybody was. We don't talk about feelings, we just exist. It's all a work in progress.
My mother so cooly reminded me that I am on the verge of turning 33. She rolled her eyes and let out a heavy sigh "I'm not holding my breathe with you girls. If I had raised you in Guatemala, the two of you would be married by now with at least 2 kids each!"
I stopped fighting with her about this subject and I just stare at her and nod ok. I felt the pressure to have said hubby and kids at 22 but not at 32. The older I become, the more I question everything, even getting married. Relationships are so much hard work and who's crazy enough to go into such a situation unless you're really gun ho about the person. At this point, my only relationship is with my art and that motherfucker is being so difficult. I have the time, the space but the motivation is lacking. Where did it all go? I sit at my desk every night and stare at my blank pages. I need chispa! I've started reading more just to get inspired. I think Brendan told me that John Lennon use to do that to get material for his music. I totes want to be just like John Lennon except still a woman. Women are cooler.
So I've read Miller, Vonnegut, Bukowski and Kerouac to get this imagination of mine rolling with something new and different. I get bored of my own work and I'm always looking to outdo myself. I am my worst crtic. Maybe that's it, there all dudes. I should read more women writers. Most of my friends are males, but that doesn't mean I can always relate to me. Any reading suggestions are welcomed! I know I won't make money with art but I HAVE TO make it or I will become more insane. I also believe that if I was more insane that I would create great art! Look at Francis Bacon or Yayoi Kusama, so many dots!
Only sometimes do I wish I would've been more a little more boring and an accountant. I could do everything by the book and die and just be done with it. It's too late. I'm weird, I love making things and posting bedroom video selfies ala James Franco. I am amazed I am able to maintain an office job. I have a hard time sitting still. I give it 6 years and then one day I'll decide, fuck it and leave it. I am surprisingly competent as a logistics coordinator, go fucking figure. But that's not where I feel my spark, I only stay because my co workers make it awesome. I have an existential crisis every quarter. I want that motivation to come and arrive at the same time my inspiration is at it's peak. The world is just shit all around me and I'm just bitching about my selfish struggle. I just have this itching to get this out of my system and I can't ever verbalize this because I freeze up. So I draw, paint, blog and post pictures and things of that nature to not hold everything in.
As the eternal optimist, all my goals will be met. I'm just not applying myself as I've been told in the past. It's the only time I'm just like my father, when I'm being lazy. Not my words. At this point in my life, I don't see marriage, I don't see kids and I don't see a mortgage. If none of that happens, I really see just copious lovers, more art and tequila. Which wouldn't be the worst and the only true relationship I would ever have is art. I have no fuckin idea. I'm only 32 and maybe by the time I'm 80, I'll finally have a clue. haha
I'm sure the universe will find a way not to make my life a boring existence. I sure as hell try not to make it boring for the people that surround me. I keep my sweet mother on her toes to say the least. Go figure, she still loves her weird kid. Moms do that, just keep on loving you despite your idiosyncrasies.
Maybe I'll be lucky and end up with an eternal boyfriend, not husband and a singular love child. And my mom would finally have her grandbaby and that kid would give her an exciting headache just like I did as wee babe.
So I move on and continue to get my goose fed while pursuing the creation of great art and logging in my hours at the bar with my friends. It's New York, what else am I suppose to do?
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Beer and Boys in Bed Stuy
Jen is playing SkyRim while I type this post about my life thus far in my new hood, Bed Stuy. I've been living here for a month already and I can say I couldn't be more happier. Against all odds and negative opinions, I made it back to Brooklyn with the help of my family, friends and the universe. You can choose to believe in a something greater than yourself or not. I wanted to move back so badly, I wanted my second act to be better than my first. I didn't want to regret settling for the safe road and always wondering had I moved back, how my life might've been different.
I fucking did it though, with the help of a lot of people. I was scared and nervous to come back because what if nothing worked out for me? This could be the one time that things would not work out for me and the universe can just slap me in the face and say "Fuck you Z! this ain't a game girl. You can't always get your way!" ..... but I'm stubborn and optimistic until my last breath I tell you!!! Within 3 weeks, I found a job, moved into a nice 2 bd apt with my girl boo and had a marathon of comeback drinking with my Brooklyn homies. I might've overdone it with the drinking but that's only because I was super excited to be back and I have a hard time saying NO. My attitude is slowing changing to appreciate all the new opportunities I've been given the 2nd time around.
I need to enter more art shows and make art eeeerrrr daaay.
I want to excel at my job and show this company that I got this and I can be their go to gal.
I want to prove to myself that I'm not that shy, super scared,tom boy girl that just stayed in her room so as not to disturb others. Most of my friends now can't believe that I was ever quiet person but I was. Sometimes I still feel that way, but then I bury it deep inside and carry on. Some day I will die and my life will mean nothing if I didn't conquer all my fears and rock my goals.
A routine is slowly emerging and I'm glad to finally obtain some form of stability. I live on the top floor and I told Jen that I didn't want to move anytime soon since it was A PAIN to move all our stuff up 4 flights of narrow stairs. hahaha I do love our place. We have a skylight in our hallway and another one in our shower. The mornings are the best when the sun is out and shining through our skylight, feeling zestfully clean with some Vitamin D on my skin yo!
Most of my friends are still living in the area and I've successfully gone on 2 dates with 2 different guys. I can't predict how men will react to me on a date, so for better or for worst, I just act like myself. That's all one can do. A person who is worth dating will like you just as you are. Both were very different guys and I'm not looking to marry either of them, but I gotta get out there. One day the something something will align and it will finally be my day to have a male boo who loves me. I'm in no rush, thus I'll continue to enjoy the company of these men or others as they come along. And there's nothing wrong with making out with them on the first date. I have yet to hear any complaints about my kissing performance from previous dudes. Do you boo. Do you. I ain't no prude.
So I'm working on art, I'm working on improving at my job, I'm dating dudes, I'm hanging out with the important people in my life and Ghost cat is finally content. He is the most well traveled cat I've ever met, if I ever move overseas oh! he's coming with his momma. The only room he is not allowed in, is Jen's room. He is now obsessed with finding a way to get into her room when the door is closed. kinda cute. In an ideal word, he would get a job and at least help out with utilites. haha
For the first time in a long time, I can see myself not moving every fucking year because I finally have good reasons to stay a little while. I am finally motivated to work hard for myself, my family and all my dear friends. I would be such a Negative Nancy if I had no support from my precious peeps. I know I'm not always going to luck out, but I will take the bad and the good. Nothing will happen to me unless I make it happen and oh I intend to.
I'm still drinking a cheap ass beer as I type this and Jen is still playing SkyRim, she's pretty fucking good. Ghost cat is perched on top of my yellow recliner like a fuckin bird. It's a chill, rainy Sunday night and I'm happy. Not to say living in Virginia was horrible, because it wasn't. I miss my family and my friends. I just know it was time to move, my gut was roaring loud and clear. In the end, only you can decide how you want to run your life and who you want in your life.
My only regret thus far is giving up my dog Trot. Everything else, I would do it all over again. Why? Because the good times outweigh the bad in my book. I had a dream last night my company relocated me to Dulwich, U.K. I don't know why. haha I was living in an apartment with 4 other people and my bed was on the floor next to the front door. I was sitting on the bed and a guy with the brightest blue eyes came up to me and we dug each other. We talked, we kissed and in the dream I remember thinking "I've only been here a week and I'm already on the floor, making out with this dude in fucking England!" I would be very surprised if my life landed me in the U.K.! I woke up thinking "what a fucking dream!" I passed out because it was too early to be up on a Sunday and had another dream about me being sassy with Tom Brady. Tommy! looove you! haha
I am enjoying my life right now and I'm choosing to face every bad thing that comes at me, even when I'm scared to face it. I GOT THIS. I feel like I made the right choice and I arrived back in Brooklyn at the right time. It's gonna be dope as hell y'all!
I fucking did it though, with the help of a lot of people. I was scared and nervous to come back because what if nothing worked out for me? This could be the one time that things would not work out for me and the universe can just slap me in the face and say "Fuck you Z! this ain't a game girl. You can't always get your way!" ..... but I'm stubborn and optimistic until my last breath I tell you!!! Within 3 weeks, I found a job, moved into a nice 2 bd apt with my girl boo and had a marathon of comeback drinking with my Brooklyn homies. I might've overdone it with the drinking but that's only because I was super excited to be back and I have a hard time saying NO. My attitude is slowing changing to appreciate all the new opportunities I've been given the 2nd time around.
I need to enter more art shows and make art eeeerrrr daaay.
I want to excel at my job and show this company that I got this and I can be their go to gal.
I want to prove to myself that I'm not that shy, super scared,tom boy girl that just stayed in her room so as not to disturb others. Most of my friends now can't believe that I was ever quiet person but I was. Sometimes I still feel that way, but then I bury it deep inside and carry on. Some day I will die and my life will mean nothing if I didn't conquer all my fears and rock my goals.
A routine is slowly emerging and I'm glad to finally obtain some form of stability. I live on the top floor and I told Jen that I didn't want to move anytime soon since it was A PAIN to move all our stuff up 4 flights of narrow stairs. hahaha I do love our place. We have a skylight in our hallway and another one in our shower. The mornings are the best when the sun is out and shining through our skylight, feeling zestfully clean with some Vitamin D on my skin yo!
Most of my friends are still living in the area and I've successfully gone on 2 dates with 2 different guys. I can't predict how men will react to me on a date, so for better or for worst, I just act like myself. That's all one can do. A person who is worth dating will like you just as you are. Both were very different guys and I'm not looking to marry either of them, but I gotta get out there. One day the something something will align and it will finally be my day to have a male boo who loves me. I'm in no rush, thus I'll continue to enjoy the company of these men or others as they come along. And there's nothing wrong with making out with them on the first date. I have yet to hear any complaints about my kissing performance from previous dudes. Do you boo. Do you. I ain't no prude.
So I'm working on art, I'm working on improving at my job, I'm dating dudes, I'm hanging out with the important people in my life and Ghost cat is finally content. He is the most well traveled cat I've ever met, if I ever move overseas oh! he's coming with his momma. The only room he is not allowed in, is Jen's room. He is now obsessed with finding a way to get into her room when the door is closed. kinda cute. In an ideal word, he would get a job and at least help out with utilites. haha
For the first time in a long time, I can see myself not moving every fucking year because I finally have good reasons to stay a little while. I am finally motivated to work hard for myself, my family and all my dear friends. I would be such a Negative Nancy if I had no support from my precious peeps. I know I'm not always going to luck out, but I will take the bad and the good. Nothing will happen to me unless I make it happen and oh I intend to.
I'm still drinking a cheap ass beer as I type this and Jen is still playing SkyRim, she's pretty fucking good. Ghost cat is perched on top of my yellow recliner like a fuckin bird. It's a chill, rainy Sunday night and I'm happy. Not to say living in Virginia was horrible, because it wasn't. I miss my family and my friends. I just know it was time to move, my gut was roaring loud and clear. In the end, only you can decide how you want to run your life and who you want in your life.
My only regret thus far is giving up my dog Trot. Everything else, I would do it all over again. Why? Because the good times outweigh the bad in my book. I had a dream last night my company relocated me to Dulwich, U.K. I don't know why. haha I was living in an apartment with 4 other people and my bed was on the floor next to the front door. I was sitting on the bed and a guy with the brightest blue eyes came up to me and we dug each other. We talked, we kissed and in the dream I remember thinking "I've only been here a week and I'm already on the floor, making out with this dude in fucking England!" I would be very surprised if my life landed me in the U.K.! I woke up thinking "what a fucking dream!" I passed out because it was too early to be up on a Sunday and had another dream about me being sassy with Tom Brady. Tommy! looove you! haha
I am enjoying my life right now and I'm choosing to face every bad thing that comes at me, even when I'm scared to face it. I GOT THIS. I feel like I made the right choice and I arrived back in Brooklyn at the right time. It's gonna be dope as hell y'all!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Thoughts from the Laundry Room
I absolutely wait until the last possible minute, second and moment to accomplish necessary tasks. I am leaving for Vegas on Friday to enjoy and share shenanigans with some girl boos. "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas!"....right, not if you know my trigger happy finger for Instagram. OK EVERYONE GET TOGETHER. I carry a strange and fiery energy that attracts epic and weird nights with hazy mornings and slow afternoons filled with sips of vitamin water and aspirin. I am as raunchy or as tame as the company I keep.
Again, leaving soon and I haven't done a damn thing; ergo, I'm doing laundry this late into the night. I will most likely get my usual 5 hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be a whirlwind of work, running around to get the necessities and packing. Before I know it, I'll be suffering from horrible airplane pressure in betwixt my ears praying for the ride to be over. All in the name of good times and possible regretful moments of humiliation. This I am a veteran at, someone give me a fuckin purple heart. All of these moments, I take in stride and carry on with my light heart, my dimples and my rad tendency to dance anywhere I am. Example: A day at the winery led back to my work BFF's house and after a couple of hours, I was the dance show on top of his fireplace. I love to boogie yo!
Vegas will be fun. And before I know it, BOOM, back to business and handling the next act. I should write a play about Act II: Z returns to New York. Lights! Spotlight! Act I - The heroine falls in love, moves to NY with her love boo and gets her heart kicked in the ass. She runs back home to find out she should've never left NY and the suburbs are suffocating her creativity. However, she doesn't regret her past decisions, picks herself up and fuckin goes back to NY. Act II hasn't been written since it hasn't happen yet but I get this funny feeling it will be quite the adventure. I open myself to everything - crazy people, unknown adventures and so many cute men! Who totally oogles men? This gal!
Side story - Went to Starbucks the other day and my barista was quite the handsome guy and he complimented me on my smile and forearm tattoo. I said "Word. Thanks!", grabbed my tall skinny caramel macchiato and gave him my best smile.
As everything I've done, this new adventure is going about the same way it went the first time. I'm rushing to get everything ready and I am optimistic it will happen. Stress has been playing a big part of it the past couple of months. Am I really leaving a steady job to fucking go pursue my dream? I still have loans and all that shit! I don't have enough money saved and still no job. What the fuck am I doing?!!!!
I AM STILL GOING TO DO IT. Call me crazy Aunt Shirley!
When you imagine your future and think I could still be doing this in 10 years and know you are not looking forward to your future, forget it! I made up my mind. One should be excited about their life, fuck yea! My life rules! kind of daily affirmation. Yes, now I have some extra skills I didn't know I was good at, but it's not where my heart is. I'm willing to become super duper uber broke to feed my creative soul.
My mother isn't happy at all about this decision, but as she put it to me once "I'll never cut off your wings Gordita." I promised her if she doesn't have another heart attack from another crazy thing I do, I will find a way to SETTLE DOWN. I will find a crazy, somewhat sensible man who loves the shit out of me and I'll finally have savings in the bank. I'll teach him how to say certain Spanish phrases so she doesn't look at him like another crazy gringo her oldest daughter brought home. It'll be great!
I am still in the laundry room, now waiting for that sweet laundry to dry. Rolling update like what...
Now switching the iPOD to Men at Work - Down Under. How can you not dance in your chair?!
Excited, stressed, broke and still generally a happy me despite all the recent changes. You gotta learn to adjust. There are a lot of things I am afraid of, speaking to strangers and making left hand turns on a busy street. *shudders* I still do them, despite dying inside of nervousness, because I don't want to live in a shell for the rest of my life. My 30s are turning out better than my 20s, holla! It was noted by my friend, I say holla a lot in a 20 minute conversation. Word.
Going back to the being scared shit, I am because I don't know how it's going to go and will I fail miserably or succeed??. who knows?! I don't. The worst that could happen is that I end up living in a van down by the river with my cat. Even then, I'll be like oh I live in New York and my rent is stupid cheap because I live in a van. hahaha The unknown offers endless possibilities as much as scary stuff that could happen. I got mad boos in New York who are willing to help this girl out so I ain't worried.
oy! Not writing my life story up in here and oh yes! I have 15 minutes left on the machine. I'll be rocking hot and fresh clothes for Vegas. Now I end with Nat King Cole's Nature Boy. What a fucking a good singer.
Again, leaving soon and I haven't done a damn thing; ergo, I'm doing laundry this late into the night. I will most likely get my usual 5 hours of sleep. Tomorrow will be a whirlwind of work, running around to get the necessities and packing. Before I know it, I'll be suffering from horrible airplane pressure in betwixt my ears praying for the ride to be over. All in the name of good times and possible regretful moments of humiliation. This I am a veteran at, someone give me a fuckin purple heart. All of these moments, I take in stride and carry on with my light heart, my dimples and my rad tendency to dance anywhere I am. Example: A day at the winery led back to my work BFF's house and after a couple of hours, I was the dance show on top of his fireplace. I love to boogie yo!
Vegas will be fun. And before I know it, BOOM, back to business and handling the next act. I should write a play about Act II: Z returns to New York. Lights! Spotlight! Act I - The heroine falls in love, moves to NY with her love boo and gets her heart kicked in the ass. She runs back home to find out she should've never left NY and the suburbs are suffocating her creativity. However, she doesn't regret her past decisions, picks herself up and fuckin goes back to NY. Act II hasn't been written since it hasn't happen yet but I get this funny feeling it will be quite the adventure. I open myself to everything - crazy people, unknown adventures and so many cute men! Who totally oogles men? This gal!
Side story - Went to Starbucks the other day and my barista was quite the handsome guy and he complimented me on my smile and forearm tattoo. I said "Word. Thanks!", grabbed my tall skinny caramel macchiato and gave him my best smile.
As everything I've done, this new adventure is going about the same way it went the first time. I'm rushing to get everything ready and I am optimistic it will happen. Stress has been playing a big part of it the past couple of months. Am I really leaving a steady job to fucking go pursue my dream? I still have loans and all that shit! I don't have enough money saved and still no job. What the fuck am I doing?!!!!
I AM STILL GOING TO DO IT. Call me crazy Aunt Shirley!
When you imagine your future and think I could still be doing this in 10 years and know you are not looking forward to your future, forget it! I made up my mind. One should be excited about their life, fuck yea! My life rules! kind of daily affirmation. Yes, now I have some extra skills I didn't know I was good at, but it's not where my heart is. I'm willing to become super duper uber broke to feed my creative soul.
My mother isn't happy at all about this decision, but as she put it to me once "I'll never cut off your wings Gordita." I promised her if she doesn't have another heart attack from another crazy thing I do, I will find a way to SETTLE DOWN. I will find a crazy, somewhat sensible man who loves the shit out of me and I'll finally have savings in the bank. I'll teach him how to say certain Spanish phrases so she doesn't look at him like another crazy gringo her oldest daughter brought home. It'll be great!
I am still in the laundry room, now waiting for that sweet laundry to dry. Rolling update like what...
Now switching the iPOD to Men at Work - Down Under. How can you not dance in your chair?!
Excited, stressed, broke and still generally a happy me despite all the recent changes. You gotta learn to adjust. There are a lot of things I am afraid of, speaking to strangers and making left hand turns on a busy street. *shudders* I still do them, despite dying inside of nervousness, because I don't want to live in a shell for the rest of my life. My 30s are turning out better than my 20s, holla! It was noted by my friend, I say holla a lot in a 20 minute conversation. Word.
Going back to the being scared shit, I am because I don't know how it's going to go and will I fail miserably or succeed??. who knows?! I don't. The worst that could happen is that I end up living in a van down by the river with my cat. Even then, I'll be like oh I live in New York and my rent is stupid cheap because I live in a van. hahaha The unknown offers endless possibilities as much as scary stuff that could happen. I got mad boos in New York who are willing to help this girl out so I ain't worried.
oy! Not writing my life story up in here and oh yes! I have 15 minutes left on the machine. I'll be rocking hot and fresh clothes for Vegas. Now I end with Nat King Cole's Nature Boy. What a fucking a good singer.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
A retrospective of Zoraida's love life.
I got a text the other night. "I need you. Can I call you?"
Sure.
In minutes, my ears were filled with a tale of heartache, questions, confusion and hurt over a man.
My friend was hurting bad and all I could do is listen to her and console her with my experiences in love.
I thought to myself - "I hope I don't sound too jaded. I'm glad I got off Planet Heartbreak a long time ago."
I could only relate to her how I reacted to having my own heart broken and what I've learned so far from it. In my short 30 years, I've had my generous portion of falling in love, falling out of love, getting my heart broken and numerous episodes of lust. hahaha While listening to her, all I could do is go back and remember my past loves. A retrospective of Zoraida's love life. Indiscretions of the naughty kind, lusting over men I couldn't have and years of being a dude's girlfriend. So I'm qualified enough to help her out.
oh, fuck...love. Ugh and Yay. All I know is that it makes men and women go cray cray. Some are afraid of it so they put up a wall and others go for it, time after time in hopes of finding a true love. It's up to you whether you believe in it or not. My opinion has changed over the years. At 22 years old, being in love was the tops and I never wanted that new car smell of love to ever go away. At 30, I know what I want. I'm not in love and I'm more cautious of who I hand my heart to after my battle scars. Yes, I'm slightly jaded but true to my optimism, hopeful. I'm such a sucker.
hahaha fuckin telenovelas.
That new car smell of love goes away and then you're left with a person you've become comfortable with and you find out what they're really like. Habits, personalities and life get in the way of "love". Are you going to put up with me for a long time? Do you still love me after all this time? Honey, I love you! Cutie, you're the best! Why can't you just refill the goddamn toilet paper? I see how couples interact with each other. But I only see the surface, I'm not all in up in their kool-aid. So I don't know everything. Some are together because they don't want to be alone and have settled. Others truly are retarded for each other and I can't imagine them ever apart.
Sooo luck of the draw???
Some get dealt a good hand at love. Good for you! Appreciate what you have!
Love is a powerful drug. I question its purpose a lot. You give me the best high, then you become a downer and then you rejuvenate me once more for another dose. what the hell?
My friend was being more rational than most girls in her story and I felt bad for her. It sucks and we all have to go through a swamp of gross heartaches to come out a brand new person in the end. That yucky feeling is so overwhelming at that precise moment, that everything seems hopeless. You cry, you get angry, you cut your hair short, you drink like a fish or sleep around. Whatever works for you boo. Do you boo. Do you! I'm not one to judge.
I will confess I have some residual feelings lingering around in my heart. You dig a person so much, you just never get over it. But that doesn't stop me from looking and mingling with the men folk. I'm an adult. I keep moving and I'm always looking toward the horizon for new adventures. I've fallen in love and then he ended up loving alcohol more than me. I've been in a steady relationship and it got too hard and too dramatic to continue to drown with that person. And I've also lied to myself about the reality of love and suddenly got catapulted into singledom. All water under the bridge. For an artist, love and heartache is gold. A nasty muse that fuels the creativity. Shout out to Patsy Cline.
But I'm happy now so I'm finding other subjects to draw about.
So there she was, hurting and I was honest with her about how she felt and how I perceived her situation. I've made my mistakes in love but it happened and I'm still here. Alive with a job, a car, awesome friends and a Netflix account. :) Things happen for a reason. But she's stronger than she thinks she is right now. So am I and so are you.
I've learned love is a wild beast with a bi-polar temperament but sometimes it turns to a devoted companion you can live with. Such is the nature of the beast.
I sometimes think about an 80 year old Zoraida with her wrinkly old man walking in the city. He'd call me cutie. I'd call him my tall drink of handsome. I like tall men. It's not hard to find one. I'm 5'2" of genuine awesome sauce.
Sure.
In minutes, my ears were filled with a tale of heartache, questions, confusion and hurt over a man.
My friend was hurting bad and all I could do is listen to her and console her with my experiences in love.
I thought to myself - "I hope I don't sound too jaded. I'm glad I got off Planet Heartbreak a long time ago."
I could only relate to her how I reacted to having my own heart broken and what I've learned so far from it. In my short 30 years, I've had my generous portion of falling in love, falling out of love, getting my heart broken and numerous episodes of lust. hahaha While listening to her, all I could do is go back and remember my past loves. A retrospective of Zoraida's love life. Indiscretions of the naughty kind, lusting over men I couldn't have and years of being a dude's girlfriend. So I'm qualified enough to help her out.
oh, fuck...love. Ugh and Yay. All I know is that it makes men and women go cray cray. Some are afraid of it so they put up a wall and others go for it, time after time in hopes of finding a true love. It's up to you whether you believe in it or not. My opinion has changed over the years. At 22 years old, being in love was the tops and I never wanted that new car smell of love to ever go away. At 30, I know what I want. I'm not in love and I'm more cautious of who I hand my heart to after my battle scars. Yes, I'm slightly jaded but true to my optimism, hopeful. I'm such a sucker.
hahaha fuckin telenovelas.
That new car smell of love goes away and then you're left with a person you've become comfortable with and you find out what they're really like. Habits, personalities and life get in the way of "love". Are you going to put up with me for a long time? Do you still love me after all this time? Honey, I love you! Cutie, you're the best! Why can't you just refill the goddamn toilet paper? I see how couples interact with each other. But I only see the surface, I'm not all in up in their kool-aid. So I don't know everything. Some are together because they don't want to be alone and have settled. Others truly are retarded for each other and I can't imagine them ever apart.
Sooo luck of the draw???
Some get dealt a good hand at love. Good for you! Appreciate what you have!
Love is a powerful drug. I question its purpose a lot. You give me the best high, then you become a downer and then you rejuvenate me once more for another dose. what the hell?
My friend was being more rational than most girls in her story and I felt bad for her. It sucks and we all have to go through a swamp of gross heartaches to come out a brand new person in the end. That yucky feeling is so overwhelming at that precise moment, that everything seems hopeless. You cry, you get angry, you cut your hair short, you drink like a fish or sleep around. Whatever works for you boo. Do you boo. Do you! I'm not one to judge.
I will confess I have some residual feelings lingering around in my heart. You dig a person so much, you just never get over it. But that doesn't stop me from looking and mingling with the men folk. I'm an adult. I keep moving and I'm always looking toward the horizon for new adventures. I've fallen in love and then he ended up loving alcohol more than me. I've been in a steady relationship and it got too hard and too dramatic to continue to drown with that person. And I've also lied to myself about the reality of love and suddenly got catapulted into singledom. All water under the bridge. For an artist, love and heartache is gold. A nasty muse that fuels the creativity. Shout out to Patsy Cline.
But I'm happy now so I'm finding other subjects to draw about.
So there she was, hurting and I was honest with her about how she felt and how I perceived her situation. I've made my mistakes in love but it happened and I'm still here. Alive with a job, a car, awesome friends and a Netflix account. :) Things happen for a reason. But she's stronger than she thinks she is right now. So am I and so are you.
I've learned love is a wild beast with a bi-polar temperament but sometimes it turns to a devoted companion you can live with. Such is the nature of the beast.
I sometimes think about an 80 year old Zoraida with her wrinkly old man walking in the city. He'd call me cutie. I'd call him my tall drink of handsome. I like tall men. It's not hard to find one. I'm 5'2" of genuine awesome sauce.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Dream Gigs. I dream BIG.
My friend Bolt asked me to help her dye her hair awhile back. I said yes and managed not to ruin her hair. She asked me again this past weekend and I obliged. I've become her personal colorist. That led me to thinking about other gigs that I would want to do if given the chance. Some definitely require experience but if Homer Simpson can go to the moon, why can't I be whatever I want to be?! Bolt suggested I go to hair school. My friend Sarah suggested I be a tattoo artist. Or finally write a book called Z-bonics: A New Language. The things that come out of my mouth. oy!
Currently I'm in the shipping industry and my night gig is my love - Art!
With that being said, here's a list of alternate careers/dreams gigs I would love to do:
Currently I'm in the shipping industry and my night gig is my love - Art!
With that being said, here's a list of alternate careers/dreams gigs I would love to do:
- A puppeteer for Jim Henson. I would work on any project associated with him. I grew up on Sesame Street and I'm a fan of the Muppets. I'd have to work on different voices though.
- Monster makeup/prosthetics person ala Rick Baker. I want to make the most insane monster, creature or zombie anyone has ever seen! RAWWWR! Spend days on movie sets putting on insane makeup on people.
- Working on nails at a beauty salon. I love being creative with my nails. Given the chance, I'd work in a salon giving manicures and talking about last night's True Blood. I love you Bill Compton!
- Marine Biologist who only studies the Blue whale. They are amazing to me and I'd become a crazy whale lady living on her boat in the middle of the sea hanging out with them 24/7. Hot tea and binoculars please!
- A comic book artist. I don't like doing anything half-ass so I haven't attempted this feat...yet.
- An animator for the Cartoon Network/Adult Swim shows. Again, I can draw but don't know any technical skills to become one. oh what? I can go to school for that? GIVE ME MONEY THEN. :)
- A Farmer that raises llamas. I personally would like to own a llama. I'd call it BROCK ADAMS.
- Zookeeper just so I can be called "Zoraida the zookeeper" lol
I'd die a happy women if I was able to accomplish the above. So far I've worked at a sex shop, a grocery store, a vet clinic, worked as an art assistant, a paint your own pottery place, an animal humane society, a library, retail store selling home goods and now helping people move their stuff.
I just like trying everything once and see how it goes.
For now I'll settle having one job and working on my free time on my first love.
It's all good. Things work out the way they should even when you don't like the outcome.
No worries. Go take a walk. You'll feel better.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Non-Smoker and left hand exercises
A good group of people I work with are smokers. Hey! I'm not hating, I'm just stating.
So like any smoker, you take smoke breaks which are allowed at my job.
I work in a very stressful industry so whatever gets you through the day. Do you boo do you.
Here and there I decide to take "non-smoker breaks". I don't want to start a cigarette habit just so I can take a breather. I try to keep them under 10 minutes since there's always work to be done and I don't want to be there until 10pm. I could just sit outside the office on the bench contemplating my life.
do chubby latina women not have lifestyle blogs about being in their 30s, having debt and lusting over dorky white guys? where you at boo?!
Anyways, to relieve some stress I decided to take out a piece of paper and a marker and take it outside to draw. Side story - I hate just being dominant in my right hand. So since I was a teenager I have made an effort to write or draw with my left hand. In my weird thoughts, if for some reason my right hand got chopped off, I would still be able to draw with my left hand. I know. Insane thought. I never said I was normal. I do have a sound mind. However, it just more whacky than others. I draw or write with my left hand when I can.
OK now back to what I was saying. My friends know I start talking about one thing, hit the brakes and start talking about something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. No transition. I just assume everyone has the same logic I do. haha
I took the paper and pen outside and took to drawing something with my left hand.
BEHOLD...my left hand came up with this...
I digress...my non-smoker breaks are my tiny moments to breathe and let my imagination have recess time.
So like any smoker, you take smoke breaks which are allowed at my job.
I work in a very stressful industry so whatever gets you through the day. Do you boo do you.
Here and there I decide to take "non-smoker breaks". I don't want to start a cigarette habit just so I can take a breather. I try to keep them under 10 minutes since there's always work to be done and I don't want to be there until 10pm. I could just sit outside the office on the bench contemplating my life.
do chubby latina women not have lifestyle blogs about being in their 30s, having debt and lusting over dorky white guys? where you at boo?!
Anyways, to relieve some stress I decided to take out a piece of paper and a marker and take it outside to draw. Side story - I hate just being dominant in my right hand. So since I was a teenager I have made an effort to write or draw with my left hand. In my weird thoughts, if for some reason my right hand got chopped off, I would still be able to draw with my left hand. I know. Insane thought. I never said I was normal. I do have a sound mind. However, it just more whacky than others. I draw or write with my left hand when I can.
OK now back to what I was saying. My friends know I start talking about one thing, hit the brakes and start talking about something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. No transition. I just assume everyone has the same logic I do. haha
I took the paper and pen outside and took to drawing something with my left hand.
BEHOLD...my left hand came up with this...
I don't exactly know what it is or where it came from. I started with the eyes and worked my way out. I have contemplated painting with my left hand. My drawings are more free flowing when I draw with my left hand. My right hand is very controlled and knows where to go. My hands are somewhat reflective of my personality. I do like having control but I'll let go since it always seem like the other person needs it more than I do. Fuck it. I'm good. :)
I have simple goals in my life so far and having complete control is not one of them.
I just want to make art, pay off my debt, be really good at my job, own a dog someday and have fun responsibly. Also owning a boat, petting a blue whale and living on an island is somewhere in my crazy dreams.I digress...my non-smoker breaks are my tiny moments to breathe and let my imagination have recess time.
Monday, September 3, 2012
TO A CREATIVE QUALITY OF LIFE. CHEERS! *while holding a pineapple tequila drink.
Philly weekend REWIND:
My Philly weekend was amazing. It was about 2 weeks ago.
It started at 7pm Saturday night and ended at 10:30pm Sunday night.
My friends Dave and Conal were in D.C. promoting their magazine STRETCH and I was happy to go hang out with them. There were reading from the magazine and offering free wine, cheese and crackers. Oh well hey! gimme some queso y vino por favor!
After the reading, Dave mentioned their next stop was Philadelphia and I impulsively offered to give them a ride. In my head it was doable. Philly isn't too far away, I want to hang out with my BK friends and road trips are always fun. DONE. I don't ever THINK about the actions I take. I just do it! for better and for worst.
We hit DC for a bit for some beers and crashed at my place afterwards.
The next morning we got coffee and drove up to Philadelphia.
By far, one of the best road trips I've had. When you have the right people in the car, it's always going to be awesome.
My friends are awesome.
I WAS SO FREAKING EXCITED. This was only my third time in Philly and I couldn't believe I was there. I have the excitement of a five year old. weee! I drove through the streets of Philly onward to Dave's brother's house. Ghetto gentrified fabulous streets full of history, questionable smells, people and art here and there. I was loving this moment in my life. Here I am, in Philly on a whim because I wanted to help out my friends and shit! I have to parallel park??? wait, what?! greeeat. grumble mumble. BUT I DID IT. I managed to find a good spot and not too bad at parallel parking. FYI - Left-hand turns, changing lanes at the last minute and parallel parking make me super nervous and stress me out.
I mean I still do it. I'm no wuss but the anxiety is still there. hahaha
We dropped their stuff off and headed to Red Hook where their reading and mingling was to be. We found rockstar parking in front of the coffee shop. Oh yeah! I took it as a sign. This trip was meant to work out the way it did. Let's get our creative juice on. oooww.
I thought it went great. The stories kept my attention and I was in awe of how creative some people are. The stories were pretty bitchin' yo! I miss being constantly surrounded by creative people. They are my cup of tea. I was standing, sitting, leaning and observing this moment of creative awesomeness. I also have a problem standing still.
I stepped outside with Conal after it was over to get some fresh Philly air. I turned to Conal and said "I'm so glad I'm not boring. I love being creative." He smiled and hugged me. Surprise hugs are the best.
I was standing next to a writer and inside there were more writers and I'm an artist and we were in this moment of doing what we love. I wasn't reading. I was there to cheer them on.
That should be on my resume - 30 years of Moral Support cheerleading. haha something like that.
To some it may seem like a small moment, but to me it was a grand moment. To have the ability to express yourself through any medium is great. To create a new idea, poem, story, painting or anything you want and follow through is AMAZING. I was so proud of them for promoting their magazine, for all the writers who contributed to it and proud to call myself an artist. I NEVER WANT TO STOP. Art in every form will always be part of my life. I embrace it fully and I'd never let my dreams die. I'd feel my light would be dimmer if I snuffed out my creativity. Philly was so much fun. Beer, a pickle back, witnessing your friends' creativity in action, cheesesteaks, a street magician and awesome company to boot?!
Shut the front door! I was happy.
We walked to the waterfront later that day after ingesting GIANT cheesesteaks we had at Steaks on South.
They were mad delicious.
I always breathe in and let out a happy sigh when I see the water. I love being near it. It was a super nice day in Philly.
We parted ways a little while after since I live 3 hours away and they were there to stay for the night. It was so good to see them and just to be a part of their creative endeavour. The drive home by myself didn't bother me. I was full of energy and I just wanted to get home and paint the shit out of something. Hand me my brush, I'm going to make something weird. I love having a creative soul and that weekend my impulsive nature paid off.
Great weekend, great friends and great vibes.
New work in progress...
I'm not sure what's gotten into me but I was inspired to draw a Day of Dead wedding scene. I can already tell I'm over it. The creative process becomes harder when you're not inspired to finish the painting. But I will see this all the way through. My trusty feline sidekick is always by my side while I paint! Most of the time he is asleep. What an art critic! hahaha
Anyways, here's progress so far.
Anyways, here's progress so far.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Self-portrait
I'm an artist.
Moody. Fickle. Excited. Holla! Jealous. Infatuated. My imagination baffles me. Sunny. Animated. Weird. Talkative. Mute. Caring. Distant. Loving. Brave. Nervous. Flirty. Oh hey boo! Nice. Ballsy.
I'm in touch with my emotions and feelings yet I can't seem to always extend them out to some.
I still feel naive at my age- 30. The following self-portrait was taken after a long day at work and carrying around too many questions. I must express what's simmering inside. I'm an artist - expression at 5'2".
Moody. Fickle. Excited. Holla! Jealous. Infatuated. My imagination baffles me. Sunny. Animated. Weird. Talkative. Mute. Caring. Distant. Loving. Brave. Nervous. Flirty. Oh hey boo! Nice. Ballsy.
I'm in touch with my emotions and feelings yet I can't seem to always extend them out to some.
I still feel naive at my age- 30. The following self-portrait was taken after a long day at work and carrying around too many questions. I must express what's simmering inside. I'm an artist - expression at 5'2".
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Folder Art
I like saving discarded pieces of cardboard, envelopes and scraps of paper because I hate the thought of it just being thrown away. Yes, you can recycle it but why not make some art on it and share with your peeps. I was going through my portfolio looking for inspiration for my next painting and I found a plain file folder. I did not have much in it but I decided to whip out my sharpie and colored pencils and go to town. I did not have anything planned, but I was watching Code Monkeys on Netflix. I can't stop watching it and before I knew it my idea was evolving slowly. Here's the work in progress...
I'm not really sure what this is but it still needs color. It never ceases to amaze me, but I am my most creative between 10pm-3am. The world is asleep and I'm in my room drawing away and letting my imagination run buck wild! owww!
I'm not really sure what this is but it still needs color. It never ceases to amaze me, but I am my most creative between 10pm-3am. The world is asleep and I'm in my room drawing away and letting my imagination run buck wild! owww!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)