A retrospective of Zoraida's love life.

I got a text the other night. "I need you. Can I call you?"
Sure.
In minutes, my ears were filled with a tale of heartache, questions, confusion and hurt over a man.
My friend was hurting bad and all I could do is listen to her and console her with my experiences in love.

I thought to myself - "I hope I don't sound too jaded. I'm glad I got off Planet Heartbreak a long time ago."

I could only relate to her how I reacted to having my own heart broken and what I've learned so far from it. In my short 30 years, I've had my generous portion of falling in love, falling out of love, getting my heart broken and numerous episodes of lust. hahaha While listening to her, all I could do is go back and remember my past loves. A retrospective of Zoraida's love life.  Indiscretions of the naughty kind, lusting over men I couldn't have and years of being a dude's girlfriend. So I'm qualified enough to help her out.

oh, fuck...love. Ugh and Yay. All I know is that it makes men and women go cray cray. Some are afraid of it so they put up a wall and others go for it, time after time in hopes of finding a true love. It's up to you whether you believe in it or not. My opinion has changed over the years. At 22 years old, being in love was the tops and I never wanted that new car smell of love to ever go away. At 30, I know what I want. I'm not in love and I'm more cautious of who I hand my heart to after my battle scars. Yes, I'm slightly jaded but true to my optimism, hopeful. I'm such a sucker.
hahaha fuckin telenovelas.

That new car smell of love goes away and then you're left with a person you've become comfortable with and you find out what they're really like. Habits, personalities and life get in the way of "love". Are you going to put up with me for a long time? Do you still love me after all this time? Honey, I love you! Cutie, you're the best! Why can't you just refill the goddamn toilet paper?  I see how couples interact with each other. But I only see the surface, I'm not all in up in their kool-aid. So I don't know everything. Some are together  because they don't want to be alone and have settled. Others truly are retarded for each other and I can't imagine them ever apart.
Sooo luck of the draw???

Some get dealt a good hand at love. Good for you! Appreciate what you have!
Love is a powerful drug. I question its purpose a lot. You give me the best high, then you become a downer and then you rejuvenate me once more for another dose. what the hell?
My friend was being more rational than most girls in her story and I felt bad for her. It sucks and we all have to go through a swamp of gross heartaches to come out a brand new person in the end. That yucky feeling is so overwhelming at that precise moment, that everything seems hopeless.  You cry, you get angry, you cut your hair short, you drink like a fish or sleep around. Whatever works for you boo. Do you boo. Do you! I'm not one to judge.

I will confess I have some residual feelings lingering around in my heart. You dig a person so much, you just never get over it. But that doesn't stop me from looking and mingling with the men folk. I'm an adult. I keep moving and I'm always looking toward the horizon for new adventures. I've fallen in love and then he ended up loving alcohol more than me. I've been in a steady relationship and it got too hard and too dramatic to continue to drown with that person. And I've also lied to myself about the reality of love and suddenly got catapulted into singledom. All water under the bridge. For an artist, love and heartache is gold. A nasty muse that fuels the creativity. Shout out to Patsy Cline.
 But I'm happy now so I'm finding other subjects to draw about.

So there she was, hurting and I was honest with her about how she felt and how I perceived her situation. I've made my mistakes in love but it happened and I'm still here. Alive with a job, a car, awesome friends and a Netflix account. :) Things happen for a reason. But she's stronger than she thinks she is right now. So am I and so are you.
I've learned love is a wild beast with a bi-polar temperament but sometimes it turns to a devoted companion you can live with. Such is the nature of the beast.
I sometimes think about an 80 year old Zoraida with her wrinkly old man walking in the city. He'd call me cutie. I'd call him my tall drink of handsome. I like tall men. It's not hard to find one. I'm 5'2" of genuine awesome sauce.

Overdue.

I'm giving myself a deadline. 15 months to accept change, take care of myself and work harder than I ever have in my life. 

15 months. Surroundings, Self and hopefully in the end SUCCESS. 


wish me luck!

Dream Gigs. I dream BIG.

My friend Bolt asked me to help her dye her hair awhile back. I said yes and managed not to ruin her hair. She asked me again this past weekend and I obliged. I've become her personal colorist. That led me to thinking about other gigs that I would want to do if given the chance. Some definitely require experience but if Homer Simpson can go to the moon, why can't I be whatever I want to be?! Bolt suggested I go to hair school. My friend Sarah suggested I be a tattoo artist.  Or finally write a book called Z-bonics: A New Language. The things that come out of my mouth. oy!

Currently I'm in the shipping industry and my night gig is my love - Art!

With that being said, here's a list of alternate careers/dreams gigs I would love to do:

• A puppeteer for Jim Henson. I would work on any project associated with him. I grew up on Sesame Street and I'm a fan of the Muppets. I'd have to work on different voices though.
• Monster makeup/prosthetics person ala Rick Baker. I want to make the most insane monster, creature or zombie anyone has ever seen! RAWWWR! Spend days on movie sets putting on insane makeup on people. 
• Working on nails at a beauty salon. I love being creative with my nails. Given the chance, I'd work in a salon giving manicures and talking about last night's True Blood. I love you Bill Compton!  
• Marine Biologist who only studies the Blue whale. They are amazing to me and I'd become a crazy whale lady living on her boat in the middle of the sea hanging out with them 24/7. Hot tea and binoculars please!
• A comic book artist. I don't like doing anything half-ass so I haven't attempted this feat...yet. 
• An animator for the Cartoon Network/Adult Swim shows. Again, I can draw but don't know any technical skills to become one.  oh what? I can go to school for that? GIVE ME MONEY THEN. :)
• A Farmer that raises llamas. I personally would like to own a llama. I'd call it BROCK ADAMS. 
• Zookeeper just so I can be called "Zoraida the zookeeper" lol

I'd die a happy women if I was able to accomplish the above. So far I've worked at a sex shop, a grocery store, a vet clinic, worked as an art assistant, a paint your own pottery place, an animal humane society, a library, retail store selling home goods and now helping people move their stuff. 

I just like trying everything once and see how it goes. 

For now I'll settle having one job and working on my free time on my first love. 

It's all good. Things work out the way they should even when you don't like the outcome. 

No worries. Go take a walk. You'll feel better. 

Non-Smoker and left hand exercises

A good group of people I work with are smokers. Hey! I'm not hating, I'm just stating.
So like any smoker, you take smoke breaks which are allowed at my job.
I work in a very stressful industry so whatever gets you through the day. Do you boo do you.

Here and there I decide to take "non-smoker breaks".  I don't want to start a cigarette habit just so I can take a breather. I try to keep them under 10 minutes since there's always work to be done and I don't want to be there until 10pm.  I could just sit outside the office on the bench contemplating my life.
do chubby latina women not have lifestyle blogs about being in their 30s, having debt and lusting over dorky white guys? where you at boo?!

Anyways, to relieve some stress I decided to take out a piece of paper and a marker and take it outside to draw.  Side story - I hate just being dominant in my right hand. So since I was a teenager I have made an effort to write or draw with my left hand. In my weird thoughts, if for some reason my right hand got chopped off, I would still be able to draw with my left hand. I know. Insane thought. I never said I was normal. I do have a sound mind. However, it just more whacky than others. I draw or write with my left hand when I can.
OK now back to what I was saying. My friends know I start talking about one thing, hit the brakes and start talking about something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. No transition. I just assume everyone  has the same logic I do. haha

I took the paper and pen outside and took to drawing something with my left hand.
BEHOLD...my left hand came up with this...

I don't exactly know what it is or where it came from. I started with the eyes and worked my way out. I have contemplated painting with my left hand. My drawings are more free flowing when I draw with my left hand. My right hand is very controlled and knows where to go. My hands are somewhat reflective of my personality. I do like having control but I'll let go since it always seem like the other person needs it more than I do. Fuck it.  I'm good. :) 

I have simple goals in my life so far and having complete control is not one of them. 

I just want to make art, pay off my debt, be really good at my job, own a dog someday and have fun responsibly. Also owning a boat, petting a blue whale and living on an island is somewhere in my crazy dreams.
I digress...my non-smoker breaks are my tiny moments to breathe and let my imagination have recess time.

TO A CREATIVE QUALITY OF LIFE. CHEERS! *while holding a pineapple tequila drink.

Philly weekend REWIND:

My Philly weekend was amazing. It was about 2 weeks ago. 

It started at 7pm Saturday night and ended at 10:30pm Sunday night.

My friends Dave and Conal were in D.C. promoting their magazine STRETCH and I was happy to go hang out with them. There were reading from the magazine and offering free wine, cheese and crackers. Oh well hey! gimme some queso y vino por favor!

After the reading, Dave mentioned their next stop was Philadelphia and I impulsively offered to give them a ride. In my head it was doable. Philly isn't too far away, I want to hang out with my BK friends and road trips are always fun. DONE. I don't ever THINK about the actions I take. I just do it! for better and for worst. 

We hit DC for a bit for some beers and crashed at my place afterwards.

The next morning we got coffee and drove up to Philadelphia. 

By far, one of the best road trips I've had. When you have the right people in the car, it's always going to be awesome.

My friends are awesome. 

I WAS SO FREAKING EXCITED. This was only my third time in Philly and I couldn't believe I was there. I have the excitement of a five year old. weee! I drove through the streets of Philly onward to Dave's brother's house. Ghetto gentrified fabulous streets full of history, questionable smells, people and art here and there. I was loving this moment in my life. Here I am, in Philly on a whim because I wanted to help out my friends and shit! I have to parallel park??? wait, what?! greeeat. grumble mumble. BUT I DID IT. I managed to find a good spot and not too bad at parallel parking. FYI - Left-hand turns, changing lanes at the last minute and parallel parking make me super nervous and stress me out.

I mean I still do it. I'm no wuss but the anxiety is still there. hahaha

We dropped their stuff off and headed to Red Hook where their reading and mingling was to be. We found rockstar parking in front of the coffee shop. Oh yeah! I took it as a sign. This trip was meant to work out the way it did. Let's get our creative juice on. oooww.

I thought it went great. The stories kept my attention and I was in awe of how creative some people are.  The stories were pretty bitchin' yo! I miss being constantly surrounded by creative people. They are my cup of tea. I was standing, sitting, leaning and observing this moment of creative awesomeness. I also have a problem standing still. 

I stepped outside with Conal after it was over to get some fresh Philly air. I turned to Conal and said "I'm so glad I'm not boring. I love being creative." He smiled and hugged me.  Surprise hugs are the best.

I was standing next to a writer and inside there were more writers and I'm an artist and we were in this moment of doing what we love. I wasn't reading. I was there to cheer them on. 

That should be on my resume - 30 years of Moral Support cheerleading. haha something like that.

To some it may seem like a small moment, but to me it was a grand moment. To have the ability to express yourself through any medium is great. To create a new idea, poem, story, painting or anything you want and follow through is AMAZING. I was so proud of them for promoting their magazine, for all the writers who contributed to it and proud to call myself an artist. I NEVER WANT TO STOP.  Art in every form will always be part of my life. I embrace it fully and I'd never let my dreams die. I'd feel my light would be dimmer if I snuffed out my creativity. Philly was so much fun. Beer, a pickle back, witnessing your friends' creativity in action, cheesesteaks, a street magician and awesome company to boot?!

Shut the front door! I was happy.

We walked to the waterfront later that day after ingesting GIANT cheesesteaks we had at Steaks on South. 

They were mad delicious. 

I always breathe in and let out a happy sigh when I see the water. I love being near it. It was a super nice day in Philly.

We parted ways a little while after since I live 3 hours away and they were there to stay for the night. It was so good to see them and just to be a part of their creative endeavour. The drive home by myself didn't bother me. I was full of energy and I just wanted to get home and paint the shit out of something. Hand me my brush, I'm going to make something weird. I love having a creative soul and that weekend my impulsive nature paid off.

Great weekend, great friends and great vibes.

New work in progress...

I'm not sure what's gotten into me but I was inspired to draw a Day of Dead wedding scene. I can already tell I'm over it. The creative process becomes harder when you're not inspired to finish the painting. But I will see this all the way through. My trusty feline sidekick is always by my side while I paint! Most of the time he is asleep. What an art critic! hahaha
Anyways, here's progress so far.

Self-portrait

I'm an artist.
Moody. Fickle. Excited. Holla! Jealous. Infatuated.  My imagination baffles me. Sunny. Animated. Weird. Talkative. Mute. Caring. Distant. Loving. Brave. Nervous. Flirty. Oh hey boo! Nice. Ballsy.
 I'm in touch with my emotions and feelings yet I can't seem to always extend them out to some.
I still feel naive at my age- 30.  The following self-portrait was taken after a long day at work and carrying around too many questions. I must express what's simmering inside. I'm an artist - expression at 5'2".

Folder Art

I like saving discarded pieces of cardboard, envelopes and scraps of paper because I hate the thought of it just being thrown away. Yes, you can recycle it but why not make some art on it and share with your peeps. I was going through my portfolio looking for inspiration for my next painting and I found a plain file folder. I did not have much in it but I decided to whip out my sharpie and colored pencils and go to town. I did not have anything planned, but I was watching Code Monkeys on Netflix. I can't stop watching it and before I knew it my idea was evolving slowly. Here's the work in progress...

I'm not really sure what this is but it still needs color. It never ceases to amaze me, but I am my most creative between 10pm-3am. The world is asleep and I'm in my room drawing away and letting my imagination run buck wild! owww!

What a Z summer looks like...

I have a crazy job. My family and friends demand my time. And I am always seeking adventure.

My summer can never be just ordinary haha
So I selected some snapshots of my lovely summer thus far. 

NATIONAL HARBOR - "The Awakening" J. Seward Johnson Jr. 

FedEx FIELD - the U.S. versus Brazil soccer game 

BIG FREEDIA rocking out at the Rock n' Roll hotel in Washington DC

Straight ahead Capital hill but first make a promise! 

RICHMOND, VA - Went on a Beer hunt with Rachel. 

At home in Alexandria - when I'm stressed I gotta paint! 

A fancy pool in a hotel in southwest DC. I worked on my Mayan tan. 

Kayaking on the Potomac near Georgetown. 

Poolside in DC and sketching strange creatures. 

4th of July barbecue and I wanted this pup. Summer looks good on her. 

Lounging with the Hispanic posse at Tim's Rivershore in Dumfries, VA 

one of the best road trips ever! DC, Baltimore, Philly and this is one of the bridges into Brooklyn.

Bay Ridge - It was an awesome view of the Verrazano bridge from my homie's apt. 

Super classy Brooklyn picnic in Prospect Park with people I love.

Falls Church, VA - I was part of a kickball league this summer. We were ok. haha

I won't lie. I took a picture outside this bar because I liked the lights. DC late night walks. 

Much needed family time with my little sister, my momma and the puppy dogs. 

Commuting. DC to VA. 

One of my art mentors. It was his birthday and it was a hilarious picture of him. 

Umm, I saw a rocket when I turned it this way but it's just my palette. 

Taking a mini break on my homie's couch in Brooklyn. I just laid there drawing. 

Passenger side in Baltimore heading back from a bar. 

In my current existence...

"You look just like mom. Who did your eyebrows?" she said.
"I did. and well yeah duh. I am her first born so of course." I said glancing over at my mother.

I sat on the edge of the bed while my little sister sat across from me and our mother laid down under the covers. It was the three of us together, along with the dogs, sitting on our queen size island. I hadn't spoken to my mother in three weeks. It's not complicated it is just poor communication mixed in with " I do what I wants! You ain't the boss of me!".
She's my mother. The women who gave me life. She's the boss.

The room was lit by a small lamp and the light from the Spanish channel on the televison. Jennifer Lopez's first ex-husband was commenting about her current ex-husband. My mom loves gossip. I won't lie. I was listening too and he was hot to look at.

We don't speak about what happens when we disagree. We're the same person.
She's 57 years old with a lot of life experience and worried about her eldest's latest shenanigans.
I'm 30 years old with a fearless attitude and not care in the world. We butt heads.

"Here." She handed me a black box.
"what is it? I don't need anything." as I grabbed the box from her hands and opened it to see 2 sets of bangle bracelets.  It's our language. We don't talk about it. We just move on and in the end I get a box.
Always a box of sparkling jewelry.

"I'm being stubborn. I'm being selfish. I do what I want! oh shut the fuck up Zoraidita and grow up." My inner dialogue goes off as I look down and put on the bracelets. 


"Thanks Ma. They're awesome. "
Oliver is hiding under the covers and Simon is asking for a belly rub. Simon reminds me of an ewok.
The new bracelets jingle on my newly tanned arm as I play with this pup. I stare at them and know that it will always stay this way until one of us decides to mend things.
It's not complicated it's just a bridge that hasn't been fixed yet. We're at two ends and neither of us wants to fix it.


"I gotta go. I have to be at work in the morning."
"Can't you spend the night? I never get to see you." My sister demands my time and I know she should always be the first one to have it. I get up from the bed and say goodbye to the pups and walk past my half-asleep mother.  No hugs. No kisses.

I grab my things and say goodbye to my little sister and the dogs. I open the front door and stop.
"Do you remember what to do the next time?"
"yeah. yeah. Answer the phone when mom calls."

I yell from the bottom of the stairs. "BYE MA!"
Her door is always open so I'll know she'll hear me.  "OK. MUCHO CUIDADO."


Her last line to me every time I go pay a visit. I have no idea when I'll be around next time. 
Soon I guess but I am not a planner.  I do what I want.